#19: Deal with a source of pain on my own terms

Sometimes people do things so cruel that you can’t comprehend how anyone could be so evil. Sometimes that situation is multiplied in intensity by one hundred. For some reason, I’ve always had the utmost trust in people. That optimism allows me to stay in a very carefree place most of the time. However, it makes for increased devastation when trust is violated. On the night of Day 7, I thought it was better to shut down emotionally than to have any trust at all– the first time I’d felt such. Now I see that there’s a middle ground between a Pollyanna mindset and relative agoraphobia.

The traditional way of handling things isn’t always the way that will help one heal. Rather than going for a very justifiable punishment, I sought to maintain some belief in intrinsic human goodness. I caused true remorse rather than inflicting more pain. I confronted a manipulator on my own terms, when my own terms meant a lessened punishment for the manipulator. I put myself first. Putting myself first, as odd as it may seem, meant feeling empathy and forgiveness. I truly believe that the cause of my pain learned and will be better in the future. I can begin to heal from here.

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